Every oil trader on the world's major exchanges must now complete a 10-kilometer run before placing a single bid on crude, under an emergency fitness regime imposed by bond desks who blame the traders' sedentary panic for surging inflation risks. The rule took effect at dawn, and the first wave of traders crossed the finish line in London, New York and Singapore before collapsing onto the trading floor to shout buy orders between gasps.
The regime was drafted by a joint committee of central banks and pension funds who concluded that the only way to cool oil prices above $100 a barrel was to physically exhaust anyone allowed to bid on them. «We have determined that a trader who has just run ten kilometers is too tired to bid irrationally,» a senior bond strategist said. «The market will find its natural level once everyone is too out of breath to shout.»
By midday, the world's crude desks had been converted into makeshift running tracks, with treadmills installed beside every trading terminal and a compulsory hydration station replacing the traditional coffee cart. Traders who failed to finish within the hour were escorted to a recovery pen and forced to watch their colleagues bid without them. Diesel prices, meanwhile, continued their climb past $6 a gallon as exhausted traders placed smaller and smaller orders between stretches.
The regime has already spread to other commodities. Gold traders now must swim two kilometers before touching a bar, and wheat traders are required to complete a 20-kilometer march before pricing a single bushel. «We are simply applying the same discipline to every market that inflames inflation,» the strategist added. «If the runners collapse, the prices will follow.»