Ed Sheeran has dismissed every support act from his world tour and replaced them with silent monastic orders, declaring that his stage will never again host a political forum. Each opening slot will now be filled by a rotating choir of Trappist monks who have taken a vow of silence and will perform only wordless humming for forty minutes.
The singer has also installed a forty-second speech delay on every microphone in every venue, operated by a newly hired Department of Non-Political Utterance. Any sentence containing a country, a flag, a border or a cause is automatically replaced with the sound of a loop pedal. «We are simply ensuring that the only message anyone hears is the setlist», a tour spokesperson said. «If an artist wishes to express an opinion, they may do so in the car park, after the show, to no one».
Venues have been ordered to remove all banners, flags and T-shirts bearing slogans. Ushers now patrol the aisles with handheld scanners that detect raised fists and redirect the offending limb toward the merchandise stand. A second stage has been built in each city specifically for political statements; it is located eleven miles away and has no amplification.
Other touring acts have begun adopting the policy. At least three stadium tours now require support acts to sign a pledge promising to hum only in the key of G. The monks, for their part, have requested a raise in the form of additional silence.