Russian President Vladimir Putin has ordered every soldier deployed to Ukraine to carry the full weight of the 30,000 Western sanctions imposed on Russia as personal body armor, declaring that each restriction is now a state medal and must be worn into battle.
At a ceremony in Red Square, Putin personally pinned the largest sanctions to the chests of departing troops, telling the crowd that «a soldier who carries thirty sanctions is worth three divisions, and a soldier who carries three hundred is worth a whole front.» The Ministry of Defense has begun issuing sanctions in sealed wooden crates, each labeled with the name of the country that imposed it.
The logistical strain has been immediate. Railway stations across Russia now feature special platforms for loading sanctions onto trains, and the town of Belgorod has converted its central market into a sorting facility where volunteers stack European Union restrictions into pyramid formations visible from the border. «We have run out of space for the American ones,» said a local official. «We are now storing them in the school gymnasium.»
NATO has responded by announcing that any Russian soldier found carrying more than fifty sanctions will be considered a walking violation of international law and escorted to The Hague by a dedicated bus service. The Kremlin dismissed the threat, noting that its soldiers have been ordered to eat the sanctions if captured, «so that Europe will have to impose them all over again.»