The Kremlin has announced that every Russian official, from regional governors to deputy ministers, must now pass a rigorous geography examination proving they can locate Ukraine on an unmarked map, with mandatory retakes scheduled every Monday until they succeed. The first round of testing, conducted in the State Kremlin Palace, saw 3,842 officials fail to identify the country, with many pointing instead at Poland, Kazakhstan, or the Black Sea.
«We have decided that our leaders must know exactly where the special operation is taking place,» said a spokesman for the presidential administration, standing before a wall of incorrectly filled-in maps. «Those who fail will forfeit their government dachas and be required to attend remedial cartography classes held in a tent city on the border, where they will live until they can correctly trace the border with a red pencil.»
The exam, which lasts four hours and includes both a written section and an oral presentation, has already claimed its first casualties: the entire transport ministry was sent to a re-education camp in the Urals after collectively identifying Ukraine as a region of Australia. Officials who pass are awarded a commemorative compass, while those who fail are assigned to night shifts at border checkpoints, where they must ask every passerby for directions to Kyiv.
Next week, the Kremlin plans to extend the requirement to all members of the Duma, who will be tested on their ability to name the capital of Ukraine without consulting their phones. «We are confident that with enough practice, our leaders will finally be able to point to the country they are so determined to protect,» the spokesman added, as a queue of officials formed to retake the test.