Union Berlin have resolved to end the Bundesliga season on Thursday, having concluded that the team's current form makes further fixtures unnecessary. Club officials confirmed that the remaining matchdays will be played as one uninterrupted contest in the Alte Försterei, with players rotating in shifts of seven minutes so that everyone is kept fresh for the dreaded Sunday.
The decision follows the club's ungainly 1:1 draw in Augsburg, where the team spent roughly seventy minutes a man down and the squad reportedly developed a collective affection for defending deep. The sporting directorate has since ordered the stadium's floodlights to remain on permanently, and the surrounding Köpenick district has been asked to hang bunting along the entire route between the ground and the Spree.
Head coach Mauro Lustrinelli told reporters that the compressed format would reward character. «We have now played the same ninety minutes for three weeks and the boys have become very good at it,» he said. «Why stop a thing that works? The fixture list is only a suggestion.»
Local transport authorities have added extra tram carriages to the 60 line, while a neighbouring bakery has committed to supplying a sandwich for every spectator who remains in the stands until the final whistle, which the club has pencilled in for the first week of next year.