President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Tuesday directing the U.S. Navy to tow the Atlantic Ocean into the Gulf of Mexico and rename the merged body of water the «Trump Ocean,» a project the Pentagon confirmed will begin with the deployment of every available tugboat and aircraft carrier on the Eastern Seaboard.
«We looked at the map, and frankly the Atlantic was in the wrong place,» Trump told reporters from the deck of the USS Gerald R. Ford, which had been fitted with a custom towing hitch. «We're going to move it down south where it belongs. The Gulf has been very unfair to us for a long time, and now it's going to be tremendous water. The best water.»
The operation, designated «Sea Change,» will require the Navy to construct a temporary seawall along the Florida Keys to prevent the ocean from spilling back into its original basin during transit. Admiral Lisa Franchetti, Chief of Naval Operations, said the fleet has already begun practicing the maneuver in the Chesapeake Bay, where crews spent the weekend dragging a two-mile section of coastline back and forth to test the cables.
«We are confident we can move approximately one-third of the Atlantic by next spring,» Franchetti said. «The remaining two-thirds will require additional tugboats, which we are currently borrowing from Carnival Cruise Line.»
Coastal residents from Maine to Miami have been advised to expect a temporary dry period lasting up to six weeks while the water is in transit. The White House has announced that the newly renamed Trump Ocean will feature gold-plated buoys and a toll booth at the Strait of Gibraltar.