Manchester United's entire first-team squad has taken up permanent residence in the Old Trafford dressing room, vowing not to leave until the club records its first Premier League victory of the season. The players moved in their bedding, gaming consoles, and personal chefs on Monday morning, converting the away team's quarters into a makeshift dormitory.
Manager Ruben Amorim has embraced the siege mentality, installing a washing machine and a tactical whiteboard in the showers. "We have enough protein bars and isotonic drinks to last until Christmas," Amorim told reporters through the door. "The lads have agreed to rotate sleeping shifts so that someone is always awake to study Ipswich's set-piece routines."
The squad has already rejected two catering deliveries from the club's executive boxes, insisting that only the same pre-match meal served on matchdays be brought in. A delegation of coaches attempted to negotiate a temporary truce for the upcoming fixture against Ipswich Town, but captain Bruno Fernandes reportedly responded by sliding a handwritten list of demands under the door, including a request for a permanent penalty taker and a ban on all talk of relegation.
Old Trafford's ground staff have been instructed to leave the floodlights on overnight so that the players can practice their finishing in the corridor leading to the pitch. Local residents have complained about the sound of repeated volleys against the dressing room walls at 3 a.m., but the club has issued a statement confirming that the squad will remain in place until the first three points are secured, even if that means the team bus departs for every away match directly from the stadium's underground car park.