Heston James Cobb, the viral Arizona prankster, was sentenced Tuesday to a lifetime of actually working the shifts he once faked, with a court-ordered schedule that assigns him to every position he ever impersonated, at every business he ever infiltrated, in perpetuity.
The Maricopa County Superior Court ruling requires Cobb to report to the first of 37 affected establishments at 4:00 a.m. daily, where he will clock in under the name of the employee he once pretended to be. A dedicated shuttle bus, painted in the colors of all 37 corporate logos, now ferries him between locations on a route that loops the Phoenix metro area every nine hours. The bus has a sleeping cot in the back, which the court noted was installed for his convenience.
«Mr. Cobb wanted to be an employee so badly that he broke the law to do it,» said Judge Eleanor Vance. «Now he gets to be one, forever, with all the benefits, including the 15-minute breaks he used to take without permission.» The sentence also includes a mandatory uniform rotation, with Cobb changing outfits in the shuttle between stops, and a requirement that he attend all mandatory staff meetings, even those held after his shift ends.
Local businesses have reported a surge in productivity, with several managers noting that Cobb has become their most reliable worker. «He knows the register, the stockroom, and the break room policy better than anyone we've ever hired,» said one manager. «We've stopped posting job openings for the positions he covers.» Cobb's attorney has filed an appeal, arguing that the sentence constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, but the court has already scheduled his first performance review for next month.