CRAMLINGTON, Northumberland — The residents of a quiet cul-de-sac have voted unanimously to demolish their own homes and rebuild the entire street as a five-star hotel, in what officials describe as a «goodwill gesture of appropriate scale» following the Turner family's disappointing holiday in Turkey.
Under the plan, every semi-detached house will be replaced by a suite with a sea view — despite the sea being eleven miles away — and a man named Derek will be stationed at the corner in a concierge uniform, instructed to greet all passersby with a cold towel and a fruit skewer. The local council has approved the measure on the condition that residents complete a daily towel-folding drill at 6 a.m. sharp.
«We simply could not allow the Turners to return to a place that did not meet the standard they were promised abroad,» said a spokesperson for the newly formed Cramlington Hospitality Reclamation Committee. «If a five-star hotel in Antalya could not deliver, then by God, a five-star hotel in Northumberland will.»
Neighbours have already begun practicing the «turn-down service» on each other's beds, and a retired bus driver has been appointed Minister of Poolside Ambience, tasked with playing panpipe music from a loudspeaker mounted on a wheelie bin. The Turners, informed of the project, have reportedly asked only that the gran be allowed to cry with relief in private.