Bond traders at three major New York firms have moved their desks into the Federal Reserve Bank of New York's underground vault, citing the need to be closer to both the emergency exits and the gold they no longer trust. The relocation, completed Tuesday, involved 214 terminals, 37 coffee machines and a defibrillator that staff insisted on bringing despite the building's strict no-running policy.
«We used to panic on the 14th floor and then wait for the elevator,» said one managing director, who now works beside stacked bullion bars. «Now we panic, turn around, and we are already inside the safest room in the country. It saves us a full forty seconds, and in this market forty seconds is the difference between selling at a loss and selling at a slightly smaller loss.»
The Federal Reserve has responded by installing a second set of blast doors to accommodate the new tenants, and the building's canteen now serves a special «war-risk sandwich» that traders can eat with one hand while the other hovers over the sell button. The firms have also hired a full-time chaplain to stand between the desks and the vault wall, offering last rites to any position that drops more than 3 percent in a single session.
«We are not predicting a bank run,» said a Fed spokesman, standing in front of a newly painted sign that reads 'In Case of Inflation, Break Glass and Run Upstairs.' «But if one happens, we want our traders to be the first ones out, not the ones blocking the stairwell with their rolling chairs.» The desks are expected to remain in the vault until oil prices stabilize, which traders estimate will occur roughly when the chaplain retires.