UEFA has stationed inspectors at every turnstile in European football, from the seventh tier of the Faroe Islands to the Champions League final, with orders to identify and recruit one official willing to publicly disagree with Gianni Infantino. The operation, codenamed «The Anti-Infantino», began at dawn on Friday and will run until a candidate is found.
Each inspector carries a laminated card listing acceptable forms of dissent: a raised eyebrow during a committee vote, a sigh audible from the second row, or the phrase «I have reservations» delivered without smiling. Fans entering stadiums are being asked to nominate themselves. Those who hesitate are handed a form and a pen and asked to reconsider.
«We are not looking for a rebel,» said UEFA director of internal equilibrium Marco Bellandi. «We are looking for a man who will say no once, clearly, and then sit down again. So far we have found eleven thousand people who agree with him, and none who will say so out loud.»
In Berlin, the same spirit has spread to coalition talks, where negotiators now begin each session by reading aloud a list of things they are not. «We are not antisemitic, we are not criminal, we are not late,» a moderator announced on Friday, before asking if anyone wished to object. Nobody did. The session was declared a success and adjourned for lunch.
In Oslo, the Nobel Committee has reportedly installed a similar checkpoint outside its doors, where passers-by are invited to nominate themselves for the Peace Prize and then asked to explain why they should not win it. The queue now stretches past the harbour.