Friedrich Merz has announced that every German citizen will personally deliver their entire inheritance to a government office at midnight, in a nationwide ceremony he calls «the learning.» The operation begins tonight and will be repeated every Monday until further notice.
Under the plan, citizens will queue at designated collection points, where officials will weigh their inheritances on certified scales and record the exact amount. Merz has ordered the construction of a 14-kilometer conveyor belt from the Reichstag to a warehouse in Brandenburg to process the deliveries. «We are not taking your money,» Merz said in a statement. «We are teaching you what it feels like to give it away. This is what I learned at the Klausur.»
The Bundesverfassungsgericht has been asked to rule on whether the ceremony violates the constitution, but the court has already scheduled its own midnight delivery and requested a larger conveyor belt. «We must lead by example,» a court spokesperson said. «Also, we have a lot of inheritances.»
New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani has announced that his city will adopt the German model, but with a twist: New Yorkers will hand over their inheritances on roller skates. «Berlin is the blueprint,» Mamdani said. «But we do everything faster.»
By Tuesday morning, the first queues had formed. Officials reported that the conveyor belt was already overloaded, and Merz had ordered a second one. «This is not about the money,» he said. «It is about the lesson.»