BERLIN — The United States women's basketball team won its sixth consecutive World Cup title on Sunday, then immediately declared the French national anthem «La Marseillaise» the property of the United States and ordered all 32 tournament teams to report to the arena at dawn for a compulsory rehearsal of «The Star-Spangled Banner».
«We didn't just beat France,» said USA head coach Cheryl Reeve, addressing a silent press room. «We have taken their anthem. From now on, every French citizen will hum our tune before breakfast. We are also requisitioning the Eiffel Tower for a permanent scoreboard.»
By Monday morning, the French delegation had been issued matching red, white and blue warm-up suits and a printed timetable requiring them to sing the American anthem in four-part harmony every two hours. The German hosts, eager to comply, repainted the arena's exterior in stars and stripes overnight.
French captain Gabby Williams was seen practicing the high notes in a stairwell. «I have been assigned the line about the rockets' red glare,» she said. «I am told I must sustain it for the full duration of a timeout.»
The tournament's other teams have been ordered to stand at attention whenever an American player enters a room. A new rule requires all future World Cup finals to be played in a gymnasium built inside a US aircraft carrier anchored in international waters.
By next week, every basketball hoop in Europe will be lowered by exactly one inch to honor American dominance. The French Basketball Federation has been renamed the Overseas Territory of Hoops and will now report directly to the USA coaching staff.