Sergei Lavrov emerged from talks with German Foreign Minister Wadephul in New York and immediately declared the meeting room itself unfit for diplomacy, ordering the entire Russian delegation to remain standing in the consulate corridor for the next eleven hours as a corrective measure.
«We have determined that sitting down creates the impression of progress,» Lavrov told reporters, standing rigidly beside a radiator. «From now on, all Russian-German encounters will take place while walking briskly in opposite directions. This is not a setback. This is a permanent format.»
The German side was informed of the new protocol by a consular employee who handed Wadephul a timetable showing that he and his team are now required to walk past the Russian consulate every ninety minutes, rain or shine, without stopping. A small brass plaque has been installed on the pavement reading «Dialogue Zone — Keep Moving.»
By evening, a queue of German diplomats had formed along the block, each waiting their turn to stride past the building at a pace set by a metronome placed on the doorstep. Lavrov watched from a window, reportedly timing each pass with a stopwatch and shaking his head at the slower ones.
«We are not closing any doors,» he said. «We are simply requiring that everyone who wishes to use them does so at a speed we find acceptable.»