Barcelona's board has ordered Athletic Club to replay every minute of Sunday's 1-0 victory at the Camp Nou, this time at San Mamés, with both squads dressed in full 1929 replica kits and a 40-piece orchestra performing the club anthem between each pass. The decree, announced by a club spokesman, insists the original match was 'too fleeting to be properly appreciated'.
'The fans deserve to see Raphinha's goal from seventeen angles, in real time, with period-appropriate lighting,' said the spokesman, standing before a scale model of the proposed replay. 'We have also mandated that every tackle be followed by a ten-second pause for a commemorative tableau.' Athletic Club's management, after a brief consultation, agreed to participate, provided the orchestra learns the Basque folk song 'Iparragirre' for their own goal celebrations.
The replay, scheduled for next Tuesday, will see the full 90 minutes played twice — once in each half's original order, then reversed — to ensure 'narrative completeness'. Players will wear weighted boots to simulate the 'historical gravity' of the occasion, and the ball will be replaced every 15 minutes with a hand-stitched replica. The club has also hired 200 extras to re-enact the crowd's reactions, including the booing of Nico Williams, which will be performed by a trained choir.
'We are not merely re-running the match,' the spokesman added. 'We are re-living it, in its entirety, until every spectator can recite the fourth minute's throw-in from memory.' The replay will be followed by a ceremonial burning of the match sheet, though the club assures this is purely symbolic.