BUCHAREST — The National University of Theatrical Art and Cinematography has inaugurated its new student campus, a facility where no door, elevator or window opens unless the person seeking passage first delivers a complete, uninterrupted monologue in front of the object in question.
University officials confirmed that the entire complex, funded through the national recovery plan, was designed to enforce the school's core curriculum around the clock. «A student who cannot hold a door's attention for at least four minutes has no business holding an audience's attention for four hours,» said the dean of infrastructure, who spent the opening ceremony performing a soliloquy from «Hamlet» before the main gate, which remained shut until the final line.
The campus includes a dormitory where each of the 312 rooms has a door that only recognizes a single assigned monologue, meaning students who forget their lines must sleep in the hallway. The elevator on the east wing requires a different speech for each floor, and the ground-floor cafeteria only serves meals to students who can convincingly beg for them in iambic pentameter. The library has installed a turnstile that demands a dramatic pause before every rotation.
«We considered installing normal handles, but that would have been a betrayal of our pedagogical mission,» the dean added. «Our graduates will leave here knowing that every obstacle in life is simply an audience that has not yet been won over.»
Next week, the university plans to extend the policy to its bathrooms, where each stall will require a brief but sincere character study before the lock engages.