HAMBURG — In a move that city officials are calling «the most transparent climate accountability measure in European history,» Hamburg has announced it will stage a district-versus-district climate protection competition, with the winning neighborhood awarded the right to continue existing and the losing district required to issue a formal apology to the atmosphere at a ceremony in front of the Elbphilharmonie.
The competition, which begins Monday and runs until the last polar bear is saved, will see residents of each of Hamburg's seven districts compete in events including carbon counting, renewable energy sprinting, and a grueling endurance round in which participants must sit in a room with the heating turned off for as long as they can stand it. «We are taking climate protection seriously,» said a city environment senator. «The district that emits the least will be allowed to keep its trees. The district that emits the most will have to watch us plant new ones somewhere else.»
Officials have already begun installing a giant scoreboard on the Rathausmarkt that will display each district's emissions in real time, updated by a team of municipal employees who will run between measuring stations carrying the numbers on wooden signs. The Altona district has reportedly entered a training regime in which residents practice holding their breath while cycling to work, and the Harburg team has been spotted rehearsing a synchronized apology to a large photograph of a cloud.
«We expect the competition to be fierce,» the senator added. «But fair. Everyone will have the same amount of wind.»