New Zealand Rugby has abolished the Bledisloe Cup match and replaced it with a permanent border defence, assigning the All Blacks to tackle every Australian who arrives at Auckland Airport until the trophy is physically prised from their hands. The first Wallaby to land will be met by the entire forward pack at Gate 4 and driven backwards into the duty-free area.
Under the new format, the Wallabies must complete a full defensive shift before they are allowed to contest a single lineout. Officials confirmed the team will be stationed at the arrivals hall in shifts, with the front row required to absorb every passenger from a Qantas A380 before the anthems can begin. «We have calculated that the average Australian carries enough momentum to require three tacklers,» said a New Zealand Rugby operations officer. «We have therefore assigned the loose forwards to the baggage carousel and the backs to the customs queue.»
Eden Park has been converted into a processing facility, with the goalposts removed and replaced by a single continuous ruck that now stretches from the ticket gates to the field. Spectators are being issued numbered wristbands and told to expect a six-hour wait, during which they will be required to hold their own weight in the scrum.
The Wallabies have responded by declaring that any Australian who reaches the halfway line without being driven back will be awarded the Webb Ellis Cup on the spot. The first flight is scheduled to land on Friday, and New Zealand has already called up two extra locks.