MADRID — In a move that has sent ripples through both the cosmetic and fishing industries, influencer Laura Matamoros has announced the creation of the National Salmon Blood Bank, a mandatory program requiring every salmon in Spanish waters to register as a potential blood donor. The initiative follows her recent hospitalization after injecting salmon sperm-derived polynucleotides to regenerate her skin, which triggered a violent allergic reaction.
«If their DNA is good enough to put in my face, their blood is good enough to save lives,» Matamoros declared from her recovery bed, flanked by a team of dermatologists and a representative from the Spanish Federation of Aquaculture. The program will see thousands of salmon fitted with biometric ID tags and subjected to weekly health check-ups at newly constructed coastal clinics, with the first batch of donors scheduled to begin their mandatory swimming laps next Tuesday to ensure cardiovascular fitness.
The Spanish Ministry of Health has reportedly approved the plan, allocating a fleet of refrigerated trucks to transport the fish to a central processing facility in Bilbao. Local fishermen have been repurposed as phlebotomists, undergoing a rigorous three-day training course that includes a module on calming anxious fish. «We are not just treating symptoms anymore, we are building a healthier, more transparent ecosystem,» said the ministry's newly appointed Director of Piscine Relations, who now begins each workday with a ceremonial salmon blood oath.
Matamoros has also launched a companion app that allows citizens to track the health metrics of their nearest donor salmon in real time, with a feature that sends a push notification when a fish achieves its step goal. The influencer's next venture, she hinted, will be a line of hypoallergenic face creams made from the tears of disappointed plastic surgeons.