The Kremlin has announced that, to simplify future strikes on British military targets, the entire British Isles will be towed to a position just off the coast of Kaliningrad, a maneuver defense officials say will save valuable flight time for Russian missiles.
«Why should our rockets travel all that way across Europe when the targets can come to us?» asked Deputy Defense Minister Viktor Sokolov at a press conference, unveiling a fleet of tugboats and a detailed towing schedule. The operation, dubbed «Operation Shortcut,» will see the islands—including the Isle of Wight and the Hebrides—relocated in phases, with priority given to areas housing Royal Air Force bases.
British Prime Minister Keir Starmer has called the plan «absurd» and «legally dubious,» but Kremlin officials remain undeterred. «We have already dispatched a team of surveyors to measure the coastline for the tow ropes,» Sokolov added. «The English Channel will be drained to reduce drag, and we expect the move to be complete by next spring.»
Residents of Dover have reportedly begun packing, while the Royal Navy has been placed on high alert, though officials admit they are unsure how to defend against a tugboat flotilla. «We are considering all options, including asking nicely,» a Ministry of Defence spokesperson said. The Kremlin has assured that the islands will be returned after any potential strikes, «unless we find them useful.»