LILLE — The Dutch mussel fleet from Yerseke has declared the upcoming Lille flea market a temporary sovereign enclave of the Netherlands, dispatching 20,000 kilos of mussels under armed naval escort to guarantee the festival's culinary integrity.
Admiral Jan van der Plas, commander of the newly formed Mossel Flotilla, stated that the escort was necessary because the French, while excellent at many things, have repeatedly failed to cook a proper Zeeuwse mossel. «We are not here to start a conflict,» he said from the bridge of the cargo vessel, «but to ensure that not a single French chef gets within ten meters of our product until it is time to serve.»
The flotilla, consisting of three converted trawlers and a patrol boat, will be accompanied by a mobile field kitchen and a team of 40 Dutch mussel specialists who will personally oversee the opening of every single shell. The city of Lille has been asked to provide a secure perimeter around the Dutch pavilion, which will be guarded by volunteers from the Yerseke rowing club.
«We have prepared a contingency plan,» Admiral van der Plas added, gesturing to a stack of crates filled with emergency portions of friet and mayonnaise. «If the French attempt to add their own wine or garlic to the broth, we are prepared to airlift the entire festival to Middelburg.»
The Dutch embassy in Paris has issued a statement assuring the French government that the enclave will be dismantled immediately after the last mussel shell is collected and shipped back to Zeeland for recycling.