Roberto Mancini has returned as Italy head coach and, within one hour of taking the job, ordered every child in the country to sleep in a left-back position until further notice. The decree applies from birth. Nurseries in Naples, Turin and Bari have already rearranged their cots into a defensive line of four, with a goalkeeper's mattress placed at the door.
The Italian football federation has reclassified every primary school, family home and summer camp as an official Azzurri development facility. Teachers now begin each morning with a tactical walkthrough of the corridor. Grandparents have been issued whistles and instructed to stop play whenever a grandchild drifts out of position, including at the dinner table.
«We are no longer looking for talent,» a federation official said calmly. «We are looking for anyone who can hold a line before they can hold a spoon. The boy who turns his head to check the far post while being fed will be fast-tracked.»
By the end of the week, every piazza in the country had been repainted with faint white markings. Municipalities reported a shortage of chalk. Mancini has reportedly begun sleeping at the training ground himself, in a left-back position, to demonstrate the standard expected of the nation.