TOURCOING — Gérald Darmanin has commissioned a full-scale replica of Édouard Philippe, carved from Baltic oak and fitted with a functioning ship's wheel, to rehearse his duties as self-declared first mate for the 2027 presidential campaign. The wooden Philippe, standing 1.9 meters tall and dressed in a waxed canvas raincoat, was unveiled Sunday in the botanical garden of Tourcoing before a crowd of 600 to 700 onlookers who were invited to board the structure and shake its varnished hand.
The justice minister spent the afternoon practicing his salute, shouting «Captain, the port is ahead!» into the replica's ear, and adjusting its wheel to simulate navigating through parliamentary squalls. «I have been preparing for this role since August,» Darmanin told reporters, patting the statue's shoulder. «A first mate must know his captain's every gesture. This model allows me to study the tilt of his head during a storm, the way he grips the rail when the polls are rough.»
Philippe, who watched the rehearsal from a nearby bench, confirmed plans to build a «confederation of parties» with a single candidate in every constituency, and announced that Darmanin's replica would be shipped to each of France's 577 electoral districts so that voters could practice supporting the captain before the real man arrives. «It is not about recreating the UMP,» Philippe said, inspecting the wooden wheel. «It is about constructing a government contract that everyone can steer, even if the helmsman is currently made of timber.»
The garden's head gardener has been ordered to maintain the replica's raincoat with linseed oil twice daily, and a second, smaller model of Darmanin himself is already being carved to stand beside it, so that the first mate may practice standing in his captain's shadow without ever blocking the light.