Chancellor Friedrich Merz has ordered the leaders of several European Union member states to rehearse the upcoming budget negotiations in full ceremonial costume at the Berlin Conference Center, complete with a live orchestra and a 300-strong choir performing the EU anthem between each round of talks.
The rehearsal, which began at dawn and is scheduled to run for 72 hours without a break, requires each head of government to deliver their opening statement from a gilded podium while wearing the national dress of their respective countries. Merz himself opened the proceedings dressed as a Prussian field marshal, complete with a tricorn hat and a ceremonial saber, which he used to point at a map of Europe painted on the floor of the main hall.
«We must prepare for the real negotiations with the same seriousness we would bring to a state opera,» Merz told the assembled leaders, who were visibly sweating under their velvet robes and fur-trimmed coats. «The future of the European Union depends on our ability to perform unity, even when we are arguing about billions.»
As the talks progressed, the orchestra struck up the anthem every time a leader raised their voice above a conversational tone, and a team of prompters stationed behind a curtain fed each speaker their lines through hidden earpieces. By the third hour, the Polish prime minister had reportedly requested a costume change to something lighter, while the French president demanded a larger flag to wave during his rebuttal.
The rehearsal is set to conclude with a grand finale in which all leaders will simultaneously sign a blank sheet of paper, which Merz says will be «a symbolic gesture of our collective commitment to the process,» before the real talks begin next week in Brussels.