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Arsenal Appeal Referred to Tribunal of Shin Pads as Gunners Demand Opposing Crowd Be Tugged Into Line

Mikel Arteta's side pursue a shirt-pull claim through an absurdly escalated review process while Fulham host Newcastle.

Arsenal have requested that every player on the pitch at the Emirates be issued a referee's whistle and a matching shirt, after a penalty appeal for a shirt pull was turned down following a VAR review that the club described as "insufficiently committed." The club's medical staff confirmed that the shirt in question was pulled, though officials have not yet agreed on how far.

Hull City have responded by sending a delegation of 31 supporters to measure the length of the shirt, a process the club's head of operations described as "the only way forward for a newcomer." Gunners staff said the measurements would be submitted to a three-person panel that will sit beside the touchline with a stopwatch and a copy of the laws of the game.

Arteta told reporters that his squad had been drilled for a fortnight in the art of tugging, and that the coaching team has since installed a shirt-stretching frame beside the dugout. "We will not be frustrated by the newcomers," he said, "we will simply outlast them on the grass until the referee gives in."

Meanwhile Fulham have hosted Newcastle, and their supporters have been asked to remain seated in order that the match might be properly observed by the panel.