Audi will open its first American factory on the South Lawn of the White House, the President announced on Saturday, and construction crews began pouring the foundation before the press briefing had ended. The plant, which will assemble four vehicle models per shift, required the removal of 38 magnolia trees and the relocation of the presidential putting green to a temporary site beside the ice machine.
Officials from the Department of Commerce confirmed that the plant will run three shifts a day, with the first shift beginning at 4:40 a.m. so that finished vehicles can be driven to the Capitol loading dock before senators finish their coffee. Volkswagen engineers have been seconded to the project and now eat lunch in the Map Room, where they have been asked not to touch the maps.
"We looked at the parking garage and concluded that the lawn was simply under-used," said a Commerce Department spokesperson, adding that the Secret Service had approved the arrangement after a two-hour walkthrough in which agents were asked to stand still beside a 3,000-kilogram press. Local residents of Foggy Bottom were offered free parking for life in exchange for assembling the doors by hand.
The President has promised that the first car off the line will be presented to him personally on the portico, and he has asked that the ribbon be cut with a chainsaw to signal the new American era. Audi executives in Ingolstadt were reportedly informed of the plan by fax, and have since requested a meeting at which they can attempt to explain what an assembly line is.