President Donald Trump announced today that he has personally guaranteed the safety of all NATO territories by dispatching a 3,000-strong brigade of interpreters to shadow Vladimir Putin around the clock, transcribing every word the Russian leader utters in any language and instantly translating it into English for Oval Office review.
«I had a good talk with him,» Trump told reporters, unveiling a new 24-hour translation command center in the White House basement. «Every word he says, we count it. If he says 'attack' in a language we don't like, we know about it before he finishes the sentence.» The interpreters, recruited from 47 universities, are equipped with headphones and notepads, and are instructed to follow Putin to all meetings, meals, and even state ceremonies, recording his remarks in triplicate notebooks.
The Kremlin has reportedly agreed to the arrangement, with Putin welcoming the interpreters as «guests of honor» at his next press conference. «It's a normal part of our work,» said a Russian official, adding that the interpreters have already been given permanent seats in the front row of all Duma sessions. Meanwhile, NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg has ordered all member states to install live translation booths in their capitals, so that any threatening phrase from Moscow can be met with a pre-emptive diplomatic response within seconds.
«We've never felt safer,» said a NATO spokesperson, as the first batch of interpreters began their shift outside the Kremlin walls. «If Putin so much as mutters about the Baltic states in his sleep, we'll have a counter-statement ready by breakfast.» The interpreters are expected to work in shifts, with a new team arriving every six hours to ensure no word goes unmonitored.