BALTIMORE — The fitness group that shuttered half of its F45 locations and filed for bankruptcy has announced that all remaining members must now attend every court hearing as a mandatory cardio session. The company, which once promised a community of sweat and discipline, now requires members to sprint from the courthouse steps to the bankruptcy trustee's office and back, with each lap counted toward their weekly workout quota.
“We believe in pushing through adversity,” said the group’s chief operating officer, standing outside a closed gym whose windows were papered over with court notices. “Our members will now experience the ultimate endurance challenge: watching their memberships dissolve in real time while maintaining a resting heart rate below 100 beats per minute.” The regimen, dubbed the “Chapter 11 Circuit,” includes standing in line at the clerk’s office, performing lunges during recess, and a cool-down jog past the shuttered locations.
Local members have adapted with grim determination. “I joined for the HIIT classes, but now I get my HIIT from the anxiety of wondering if my prepaid year is gone,” said one regular, who asked to be identified only by his membership number. The group has also installed stationary bikes in the courthouse lobby, where creditors can pedal while reviewing asset liquidation schedules. Next week, the company plans to host a “Bankruptcy Bootcamp” where members will assemble cardboard boxes for the office move in under 90 seconds.