Elena Lasconi announced Monday that she will personally lead a motorcade of shame to retrieve President Nicușor Dan from any foreign capital he happens to be visiting, declaring that she can no longer endure the national embarrassment of his representation abroad for even one more handshake.
Under the plan, a convoy of open-top Dacias will depart Bucharest within ninety minutes of any confirmed sighting of the president on foreign soil, with Lasconi riding at the head and a loudspeaker system broadcasting, on a loop, the sentence «this gentleman is waiting to be sent home.» The route will be rehearsed weekly on the Bucharest–Pitești motorway, where drivers have reported convoys of identical cars practicing U-turns at speed while an official on a megaphone shouts «faster, he is still shaking hands.»
The Ministry of Transport has been asked to install special «shame lanes» at the border, painted in the national colours, so that the convoy can cross without slowing down. A spokesperson for the ministry confirmed that the lanes are «technically feasible» and that a tender for the paint has already been drafted, though the exact shade of shame remains under review by a commission of three former ambassadors and one very tired protocol officer.
Lasconi added that if the president refuses to board the return vehicle, she will personally drive alongside his motorcade for the entire duration of his trip, matching his speed exactly, until he agrees to be sent home. «I do not see any other solution to this impasse,» she said, «except early elections, and I will hold them in the passenger seat if necessary.»