Terrain, the upscale home goods retailer, has officially recalled every non-glowing pumpkin in America, declaring them a public nuisance and a threat to the elevated Halloween aesthetic. Starting today, all porches must feature at least one of the company's new vine-wrapped, LED-illuminated pumpkins, or face a visit from the Neighborhood Glow Enforcement Unit.
«We have identified a critical deficiency in porch decor,» said Terrain's Chief Aesthetic Officer, Marigold Hearthstone, in a press conference held under a single, strategically lit gourd. «The era of the dull, unlit pumpkin is over. Our new glowing pumpkins are not just decor; they are a lifestyle mandate. Every home, from coast to coast, must radiate the warm, curated glow of a Terrain catalog spread.»
The company has dispatched 3,000 mobile lighting crews to install the new pumpkins on doorsteps from Maine to California. Homeowners who resist are being offered a free consultation and a complimentary set of battery-operated fairy lights. «We're not here to punish,» Hearthstone added, «we're here to elevate. But if you refuse, we will assume you prefer the dark, and we will act accordingly.»
In a related move, Terrain has announced a partnership with local power grids to ensure that every glowing pumpkin remains lit from dusk until dawn, regardless of homeowner preference. «The glow is non-negotiable,» said a spokesperson for the company. «We have a vision for this Halloween, and it does not include shadows.»
By next week, the company plans to release a line of self-maintaining, solar-powered pumpkins that will never dim, ensuring that the spirit of elevated Halloween decor shines on, whether you like it or not.