President Donald Trump has ordered the immediate dismantling of the tiger enclosure at Yorkshire Wildlife Park and its reconstruction as a full-scale replica of the Oval Office, declaring that the animal responsible for a fatal attack will now serve as his press secretary.
«The tiger is tremendous, the best tiger, and now it works for me,» Trump said from a podium erected at the park's entrance. «We're going to have the most secure press briefings in history. Nobody will ever interrupt again.»
Under the plan, the enclosure's moat will be filled with concrete and topped with a Resolute Desk. The tiger will be fitted with a small microphone and required to sit behind the desk during daily briefings, where it will be expected to growl in approval at administration statements.
White House staff have been ordered to complete a two-week tiger-safety training course, including lessons on avoiding eye contact and the correct way to toss a steak while maintaining a professional demeanor. Those who fail will be reassigned to the park's gift shop.
British officials have lodged a formal complaint, but Trump has dismissed it, saying the park should be honored. «We're making it great again,» he added. «The tiger knows it.»