Sylvester Stallone has placed every member of his household, his personal training staff and the entire cast of his next production on a compulsory zero-calorie regimen, declaring that only shared hunger can return him to the jaguar-like condition he achieved before «Rambo».
Under the new arrangement, meals are served once daily in a single room while Stallone watches. Anyone who reaches for a second portion is removed from the property by a retired stunt coordinator and made to run the perimeter until they apologize to the jaguar.
«We are not dieting,» Stallone said in a statement delivered from a treadmill set to maximum incline. «We are returning to the animal state. The animal does not snack. The animal does not brunch.»
Neighbors in the surrounding canyon report that the smell of grilled meat has vanished from the hills. Local grocery deliveries now consist entirely of ice and celery. A nearby restaurant has renamed its signature dish «The Empty Plate» and reports record sales to film crews.
Stallone's representatives confirmed that the regimen will continue until his body fat reaches a level that measuring instruments describe as «a rounding error.» The cast has been issued matching sleeveless uniforms and a timetable that begins at 4 a.m. with a group roar.