The International Guild of Librarians has voted to mandate that all future staff vacations take place exclusively at resorts certified to be entirely free of puppets, ventriloquists, and any form of animated stagecraft, following a team retreat that ended with a senior archivist being controlled like a marionette for three consecutive nights.
Union steward Vikram, who personally inspected the first 40 qualifying properties, confirmed that the new «Puppet-Free Holiday Directive» requires every candidate resort to submit to a full audit of its entertainment archives, a physical search of all storage closets for dummies, and a sworn statement from every employee that they have never taken a single ventriloquism lesson. «A man should be able to enjoy a mineral bath without wondering if the concierge is about to make him say things in a squeaky voice,» Vikram told reporters while reviewing a binder of approved destinations.
The directive has already reshaped the hospitality industry, with the Marionette Resort and Spa — the site of the original incident — announcing it will demolish its historic puppet theater and replace it with a 300-seat auditorium dedicated exclusively to PowerPoint presentations. Resort co-owner Dimitri, whose attempt to modernize the nightly show triggered the magical backlash, has been ordered by the union to personally attend a 12-week anger management course and to spend every Saturday for the next year polishing the newly empty stage.
«We are not against tradition,» Vikram added. «We are against tradition that can seize your motor functions and force you to applaud your own humiliation. There is a difference, and we have printed it on a laminated card that every librarian now carries at all times.»