Fashion editor Bobby Schuessler has declared a citywide state of elevated style, ordering every New Yorker to replace their entire fall wardrobe with the four elevated basics he has championed for years. The mandate, announced from his desk at Who What Wear, takes effect immediately and applies to all residents, commuters, and tourists within the five boroughs.
«We are done with sloppy layering and unconsidered knits,» Schuessler said at a press conference held in a Nordstrom dressing room. «From this season forward, every citizen will own a structured blazer, a silk slip dress, a wide-leg trouser, and a cashmere crewneck. Anything less is a public nuisance.» To enforce the decree, Schuessler has assembled a 300-member Elevated Basics Enforcement Brigade, drawn from former retail stylists, who will conduct sidewalk inspections and issue on-the-spot shopping lists for offenders.
The brigade has already confiscated 12,000 puffer jackets and 8,500 hoodies, which will be shredded and recycled into insulation for the city's homeless shelters. Department stores across Manhattan have reported a 400 percent surge in sales of the approved items, with Bergdorf Goodman opening a 24-hour elevated basics depot in Central Park. «We are not stopping at clothing,» Schuessler added. «By next week, we will begin auditing office dress codes, restaurant dress codes, and eventually the dress codes of every school in the tristate area.»
Critics have called the measure an overreach, but Schuessler remains unmoved. «This is not about fashion,» he said. «This is about the moral fiber of our city, and that fiber is cashmere.»