HAMBURG — The Reeperbahn was officially reclassified as a single operating confectionery on Wednesday, and an honor guard of twelve officers in white gloves now escorts every visitor from the station to the nearest gummy bear display, city officials confirmed.
The escort, drawn from the Hamburg police ceremonial unit, marches in step behind each tourist and announces the flavor profile of every establishment passed. «We found that people were confused by the variety, so we simplified it,» said a district coordinator. «Now everyone gets the same route: start at the wax fruit, end at the licorice. No one wanders.»
The reclassification required the Reeperbahn Festival to install candy-striped awnings on every stage and replace beer taps with soda fountains. Organizers complied within a day, and the festival's opening parade now features a forty-meter-long marshmallow that is carried, not eaten, along the street.
In Harburg, the new hotel for refugees has been assigned a training regime: a drill team of volunteers practices marching in formation around the building every morning at six, ostensibly to «prepare for any ceremonial welcome.» Neighbors have begun lining up to watch, and the hotel manager reports that the refugees have requested earplugs, which the city has agreed to provide in bulk.
By next week, the entire district will operate on a timetable that lists every hour as «sweet hour,» and the honor guard will expand to include a bagpipe corps playing only commercial jingles. The city senate is expected to approve a budget line for unlimited gummy bears.