Archbishop Paul Richard Gallagher, the Vatican's top diplomat, spent the first two days of his Moscow visit personally re-baptizing 3,000 Ukrainian Orthodox churches, a condition set by the Russian Foreign Ministry before any discussion of the Ukraine conflict could begin.
According to ministry officials, the archbishop was handed a map of every church, monastery, and chapel that Kiev had 'legislatively destroyed,' and told to sprinkle each one with holy water flown in from Rome in a 40-liter font. 'The Holy See's balanced position requires a balanced gesture,' said Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, watching from a helicopter as Gallagher worked through a checklist of dioceses in the Moscow region.
Gallagher, accompanied by a team of 12 priests and a forklift operator, re-baptized 1,200 churches on Monday alone, using a portable sprinkler system that sprayed a fine mist of sanctified water over each building's foundation. 'We had to pause for lunch, but the archbishop insisted on continuing through the night,' reported Father Dmitri, a ministry-appointed guide. 'He said the Vatican's commitment to diplomacy meant no church could be left dry.'
By Tuesday evening, Gallagher had covered 2,400 churches, with the remaining 600 scheduled for Wednesday, forcing the cancellation of planned talks on artificial intelligence and traditional values. 'We will discuss the persecution of the Russian language once the archbishop finishes the Kaliningrad exclave,' Lavrov added, noting that Gallagher would then fly to Siberia to bless a new pipeline.
The Vatican envoy was last seen wading through a flooded basement of a former monastery, clutching a map and a bottle of holy water, while ministry officials debated whether to extend his visa for a second week.