Political disagreements are increasingly straining American relationships, with more than one-third of adults reporting they have ended a relationship over political differences, according to recent research. For couples who stay together despite opposing views, navigating those divides can require deliberate effort, says Anna Elton, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical sexologist in Massachusetts.
Elton, author of «The Formula of Desire,» said she has counseled numerous couples on opposite sides of the political aisle. «A lot of couples come in and they want to work on communication, and politics can come up in our sessions,» she said. «I work with a number of couples who are in this place where they have a family, they have kids, but they can't talk about politics.»
The challenge is not limited to long-married couples. Elton noted that younger adults increasingly treat political affiliation as a proxy for other traits, including religion, gender roles, and empathy. «So, before you get to know the person, you’ve already created this assumption of who this person is,» she said. Some younger clients tell her they want to know a potential partner's political party before agreeing to a date, to avoid wasting time.
For couples already committed to each other, Elton recommends three approaches to keep political conversations from damaging the relationship.
First, set ground rules and a constructive tone before the discussion begins. Elton said the first three minutes of a conversation often predict its outcome, and discussions that start with harsh or accusatory language are unlikely to be productive. «So, before you talk, say, ‘Okay, these are our boundaries for this conversation,’» she advised. Those boundaries can also cover media consumption, including limiting political content, especially on social media. Elton warned that repeatedly seeing similar content creates an «illusionary effect» in which people gradually accept information as true. «Now think about two people who are in their echo chambers, and they're exposed to certain information that is contradicting each other,» she said.
Second, manage screen time and protect face-to-face connection. Elton said couples should be mindful not to spend more time on their phones than engaging with each other, since excessive screen time reduces eye contact, conversation, and shared experiences. When one partner constantly consumes political content, it can become their primary topic of discussion, creating tension when views differ. She suggested limiting when political news is consumed and setting aside one phone-free date night each week.
Third, agree to disagree without letting disagreement turn into hostility. «We can still love each other,» Elton said. «It's not going to affect our relationship.» She warned that problems arise when a partner begins to see the other through the lens of «if you believe this, this is who you are, and I can’t believe that I'm still in a relationship with you.» Instead, she urged couples not to take political disagreements personally and to approach them with curiosity, looking at the same information together and allowing each partner to ask questions and draw their own conclusions rather than jumping into a heated debate.
Elton also emphasized reconnecting after a disagreement or a failure to compromise. Reassuring words such as «I love you» and «you matter to me more than anything else» can help, she said. «I feel like you always need to say, ‘Hey, I hear what you're saying, but I'm not agreeing, and that's okay.’»
The impact of political differences can extend beyond the couple. Elton cautioned against venting to family members or friends about a partner's views, which can create a «triangulation» in which a loved one forms negative opinions about the partner. «Talk to your therapist, vent to your therapist … because if you start venting to your family and friends, then they start forming certain opinions about your partner, and it can affect how they talk to them, how they interact with them,» she said.
While couples with opposing politics are unlikely to agree on every issue, Elton said focusing on common ground and maintaining respect can keep the relationship intact. The goal, she said, is not political consensus but preserving the bond that exists beyond the ballot box.