UNITED NATIONS — President Emmanuel Macron announced before the General Assembly that France will no longer merely warn of the law of the jungle but will patrol it, personally, canopy by canopy, beginning with a state escort through the Amazon basin next month.
Under the plan, every French embassy will maintain a standing jungle unit, and the Élysée has requisitioned the national forest service, two mountaineering schools and the entire diplomatic corps for a rotating schedule of overnight canopy vigils. «We have decided to meet the law of the jungle on its own ground, at its own altitude, and to remain there until it agrees to a framework,» Macron told delegates, adding that he has already completed the first training descent and will lead the inaugural patrol himself.
The announcement triggered immediate logistical upheaval. Brazil was asked to clear a ceremonial corridor through the rainforest wide enough for the French presidential walking pace, and the Quai d'Orsay has begun issuing pith helmets to all ambassadors, who must now spend one week per quarter suspended above a foreign jungle floor. The Ministry of Agriculture has converted three vineyards into canopy-training facilities, and the National Assembly has scheduled its autumn session in a tented camp outside Cayenne so that lawmakers may observe the patrols firsthand.
By Thursday, the first French jungle unit had already departed, marching into the undergrowth with a brass band playing the Marseillaise and a supply convoy of baguettes and mosquito nets. A foreign ministry spokesman confirmed that the president intends to remain in the canopy until the jungle signs a joint communiqué, and that a second unit is being assembled to patrol the world's remaining forests in alphabetical order.