NEW YORK — Former German Foreign Minister Annalena Baerbock has declared the Columbia University campus her new nation, complete with its own flag, anthem, and a ministry of campus affairs, after her appointment as a professor this fall.
«I am not merely joining the faculty, I am founding a state,» Baerbock announced from a lectern draped in a custom-made banner bearing the university's lion and a new motto: «Veritas et Diplomacy.» She has already appointed herself head of state and foreign minister, and has demanded full diplomatic immunity for her office hours, which she insists are sovereign territory.
The university administration, caught off guard, has scrambled to accommodate the new nation. The campus security force has been rechristened the Baerbock Border Patrol, and the library's fourth floor has been designated an embassy, complete with a small consulate where students must apply for visas to attend lectures. «We have had to install a customs checkpoint at the main gate,» said a university spokesperson, visibly exhausted. «She has also requested a flagpole on the quad, which we have approved, though we drew the line at a permanent ambassadorial residence in the dean's office.»
Baerbock has already issued her first diplomatic note, demanding that the university's coffee carts be granted extraterritorial status, and has begun negotiations with neighboring Barnard College for a mutual defense pact. «My first act as head of state will be to sign a non-aggression treaty with the student newspaper,» she said, «provided they recognize my government's sovereignty over the campus squirrels.»