Donald Trump has announced a worldwide casting call for the next president of Ukraine, requiring all applicants to submit a video audition in which they explain, in under three minutes, why they deserve the role. The former US president said the current officeholder, Volodymyr Zelensky, may reapply but must first perform a live monologue begging to stay.
The search, run from a temporary office in Mar-a-Lago, has already received applications from a retired Florida golf instructor, a Ukrainian-American baker from Cleveland, and a man in Odesa who claims he once played a president on a canceled soap opera. Trump personally reviews each tape, reportedly scoring them on «gratitude, posture, and willingness to say thank you at least forty times per meeting.»
The Kremlin has responded by sending its own audition tape, in which a spokesperson reads a prepared statement praising Trump as «iconic and historic» while a choir hums the Russian national anthem in the background. Moscow has also offered to provide a live studio audience for the final round, promising to bus in spectators from annexed territories.
Zelensky has not yet submitted his tape, but his office confirmed he is rehearsing a routine that includes juggling three grenades and reciting the Ukrainian constitution from memory. A source close to the production said the final decision will be announced live on pay-per-view, with proceeds going toward a new Trump Tower in Kyiv.